60 Miles in September

Several years ago, I started a Facebook group called, 60 Miles in September. It was born out of a challenge I created for myself to help me get through this month.  This year on September 30th, it will be 7 years since my son Zack took his own life. As a matter of fact, this entire blog was God’s way of helping me through this painful, heart-breaking loss of my son.  In May of this year, my youngest son had a wreck that sent him by life-flight to Grady Hospital.  By the grace of God, he is doing great. He doesn’t remember the accident, his recovery time was quick and he was only left with some cool scars and no vehicle to drive. My recovery was not so quick. I barely remember the month of May. I remember a long walk pouring out my heart to God and just telling Him I was mad at Him. I’m a firm believer that all things in our life happen for His greater purpose and I am willing to walk this walk, but I was mad still.  I lost my job in early June, but it was a mutual departure with no hard feelings.  I just needed time and I felt like God provided it at a time when at least for a short time, we could handle it.

During this season, I have done a lot of soul-searching.  I don’t have a lot of answers or any amazing revelations, but I know that I have a calling.  It is not a calling I chose for myself or even want. All I know is that if I can make any difference in another persons life by bringing more awareness to the subject of suicide, then I have to do it.  I’m not sure what it will look like, but I know that He is pushing me to something bigger than myself.  So this month, this 60 Miles in September, I am truly pushing to raise awareness.  It is more than just walking or running for the memories of our loved ones.  It’s about reaching out.  It’s about having faith and holding on.  I am raising donations for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. And my hope is that you will join me in this fight to bring hope to others who have lost theirs.

In John 10:10 Jesus (The Shepherd) says this about His sheep (that’s us):  “A thief  comes to steal, to kill and to destroy.  I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance.”  The truth is that we are in a spiritual battle. The enemy wants you to believe you are worthless, unloved, beyond forgiveness, can never break free of your chains…fill in the blank with whatever negative, destructive thoughts you have about yourself. But Jesus.  Jesus wants you to have life! Abundant life. Joy. Hope. Faith. He wants you to trust Him to provide that for you. That doesn’t mean easy living, no problems ever, health, wealth. It means having a peace that surpasses your understanding.  It means that when the world seems like it’s falling apart around you (plans are not going like they should, you’re feeling like quitting, there seems to be no hope, etc), you can trust that He is with you. You don’t know how He’s going to get you through it, you just know He is.  Why?  Because He loves you and He promised He would never leave you or forsake you.

That is where my hope comes from.  It is what has held me together through the loss of a spouse and the loss of a child. It’s what opened my eyes to my own destructive lifestyle when I was younger. It’s what drives me to tell others that Jesus is the only way I know to bring hope to a dying world. A world that is killing itself. A world that is trying to fill this need with everything from drugs and alcohol, to unhealthy relationships, gambling, pornography, food, etc.  The very things that you are using to numb your  pain are the things the enemy is using to kill you, to steal your joy and destroy your life and keep you from the peace you are seeking and the Jesus who can provide it.

I didn’t mean to preach. But I have watched people I know and love fall into these destructive coping strategies (if you want to call it that), and then turn around and blame God for the consequences of their own choices. As a matter of fact, I was one of those people as well.  I know much of what people go through is beyond their control.  I know there are real chemical imbalances sometimes that cause people to struggle.  I’m not discounting those.  But if we are truly honest with ourselves, sometimes we are just living with decisions we have made that have put us so far into the pit that we feel like we can’t get out. I found myself there as a young adult. What changed my life was the realization that God wasn’t condemning me for all I had done wrong (I was doing plenty of that on my own), and the realization that He still loved me and He actually went so far as to die for me. The creator of the world, loves me and cares about me—that knowledge changed my heart.  It can change every heart, not just a few– His love is the power to change and heal your heart because He created your heart.  He loves you right there in the middle of all your messes. I guess that’s my calling.  I just want to love people like Jesus, right where they are. And maybe that will be just the hope they need.

So, that is why I walk.  That is why I’m bringing awareness. To bring people hope. To share my story and the reason for my hope, Jesus Christ.

 

 

We’re graduating

 

“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” (from Nehemiah 8:10)

Y’all.  This weekend I have just been a mess.  I have cried…wept until my eyes are puffy. In my husband’s words, “She’s a wreck”.

Why?

To be completely honest, I’m not sure I can pinpoint just one reason. Chase, the youngest of my four children is graduating this Friday. I am excited for him and just so stinking proud, but I have also been faced with the reality that this is the end of a season.  A long season. The season of my role as a mom that began in 1990…a little over 27 years ago. That’s a long time on the job. 1000’s of diaper changes, meals cooked, lunches packed, boo boo’s kissed, practices and games attended, tears dried and the list could go on. Even as I type it, I miss it. Literally, I have spent the weekend grieving my loss.  After all, who am I if not Nikki’s, Zack’s, Jamie’s and Chase’s mom? (Obviously, I am still a wife…and a darn good one!) It’s a real question for me though.

Earlier this year, I was reading Nehemiah. I kept coming back to Nehemiah 8:10, where Nehemiah is telling the people not to grieve, because the joy of the Lord is their strength. I actually spent several weeks meditating on the verse. I felt that the Lord was showing me 2 things. One, that Jesus Christ is THE joy of the Lord. And two, (Phil 4:13), I can do all things through Christ (the joy of the Lord) who gives me strength. In other words, I felt like the Lord was saying, “Wendy, do not grieve because I am Jesus and I am your strength”. Now, at the time I didn’t understand because I was not grieving, but I bookmarked the verse and today as I thought about how I have been “grieving” all weekend, the Lord again brought the verse to my mind. I love how He loves me. In an instant, God reminded me that He is with me and He is with Chase. He is my strength and my peace.

So with this in mind, I want to focus the rest of this post not on my “loss” or on the “end” of my season, but on the beginning of a bright future of a special young man.

Letter to My Graduate

My Dear Chase,

What a blessing you have been to us all. You have given me so much joy. I am so proud of you and can’t wait to see you chase your dreams. As you prepare to leave the safety of home and seek your own adventure, I want to share some random thoughts of encouragement and hopefully some wisdom that you can take with you.

• Set high standards
• Don’t sell yourself short. You are an amazing, talented and smart young man.
• Go to class 🙂
• Fuel your faith—pray, read your Bible, listen, because God will speak.
• Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
• Be a life-long learner.
• Dream big dreams and chase them.
• Only date a girl you’d bring home to mama 🙂
• Don’t quit.  Keep your eyes on the prize.
• Never lose your integrity…people will remember your character longer than your ability. Build your legacy on something that lasts (character and integrity), not something that diminishes (talent and ability).
• Be a risk taker. (This does not mean jumping off a cliff or driving too fast!) Don’t miss out on life’s opportunities due to fear of stepping out on faith. It has been said, if God calls you to it, He will walk you through it.
• I love your laugh.  Laugh a lot.  Enjoy life.
• I love your focus and competitive spirit. Work hard to be the best at what you do.
• You are a very private person. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable when you need to be.
• Never lose your love for the outdoors.
• Become a reader.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
• We all make mistakes, but don’t do anything that you KNOW you will regret later. You can choose.
• Be disciplined…do the hard work first, then play.
• Start now, being the man you want to become.

 

And know this…I will never stop praying for you. Son, you make me proud. I love you.

 

Worrier or Warrior?

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27

 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. II Timothy 1:7

 ^“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Well? Are you a worrier or a warrior? Do you fear the battle by thinking about all that could go wrong? Do you find yourself fearful of things that may never happen? Or do you fight the battle? If so, are you fighting in your own strength, your own way, with your own weapons?…fighting mad, hurting the innocent in your way? Or are you a prayer warrior?..Taking the battle to the One who truly has the power to win every battle, calm every fear, dry every tear, bring peace in the midst of chaos…

We all have battles. Each season of life presents new challenges that test our endurance and our faith.  I have found that my regrets lie in the battles that I tried to fight on my own or shrank back from because of fear.  My victories were overwhelmingly won because I was leaning on Christ.  Even if I felt the storms would overtake me, I had peace.

I don’t pretend to have this mastered myself.  I know I am a work in progress..who isn’t? But I can tell you that no amount of worry has ever helped me accomplish anything, Worrying wastes valuable time and energy that I could have used to take action.

How do we stop worrying and become the Warriors God intended us to be? Here is my take on it:

1. Remember.  Remember that God is for you.  Remember how God has helped you in the past.  Remind yourself that He is with you.  [Deut. 31:6 Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.]
2. Get on your knees.  Pour your heart out to Him.  He knows your heart and your struggles before you utter a word, but going to Him first and giving it to Him does at least two things:  It shows that your trust is in Him and it brings peace to your heart in the midst of the situation. [Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6,7]
3. Don’t verbalize your worries. This one is hard. Honestly, I struggle with this the most.  I say, “Here is my problem, Lord….” then I go to my friends and say, “I just don’t know what I’m gonna do….” or disguise it as a prayer request.  Please, don’t get me wrong.  It’s good to have people praying for you, but weigh your motives.  [So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34]
4. Serve others. Sometimes the best way to get your mind off of your own problems is to help some one else with theirs! Jesus was the ultimate example of serving others. [For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.]
5. Visualize.  If I’m having a personal battle or temptation, I like to picture how Satan will react if I fall–laughing, pointing, whatever.  Or picture his smug face as you begin to worry over the struggles in your life instead of trusting God. That’s enough for me right there to stick my tongue out and say “Ha, you lose.”.  [And the devil who deceived them was thrown into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are also; and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever. Rev 20:10]…Haha..we know how the battle ends,  Satan is a defeated foe.

 

More than anything, be grateful.  Find pleasure in the small things. Show love to those around you. That’s how I want to fight my battles. Let’s be WARRIORS.

Gains and Losses

This morning my house is quiet.  That happens a lot more these days.  I’ve just been reflecting on how much has changed in recent years.  There are so many people and things that are no longer a part of my everyday life and so many new in their place.

I miss having all of my children at home, but I am so proud of them as they are on their own journeys.  Chase is in his senior year and I am trying not to think about how much Scott and I are gonna miss him next year.  Of course, I miss Zack.  His picture is in my room and I try to honor him everyday by living a strong and happy life. I have gained two son in-laws and a precious granddaughter. I miss my grandparents.  I miss our sweet old dogs, Grace and Daisy who both passed away within 6 months of each other this last year at the ages of 15 and 13. I am now the proud owner of a 60 pound husky/golden retriever puppy named Macie that keeps us all entertained.

I miss our Sandy Creek football family and value the friendships I made there.  The wives of those coaches showed me more about supporting my coach than they will ever know.  I think a little bit of Sandy Creek will go with me wherever the coach’s wife’s life takes us. I’m not sure how Pike County felt about all my cheering and standing up for the entire game, but I know Scott and Chase appreciated the support.  I am so excited to be a part of Whitewater’s football program now.  I know as a football coach’s wife you can’t get too comfortable, but I feel like we are home. God just put all the pieces together and this is one of the most special coaching staffs I have ever seen.  Watch out for the Whitewater Wildcats!

I miss my Crossroads Church family and the wonderful group of women that used to do Bible studies with me. I miss the singles group we hosted in our home—I believe they are all married now!  I hope our journey leads us back one day.  I love the new fellowship we have at Northridge Church. God used them to help me in the healing process of losing Zack. I also miss the house we built in Senoia.  The kids all wrote their favorite verses on the framework before the sheet rock went up.  Yet, when we walked into this home in Pike County, I knew it was home.

So many changes. The ebbs and flows of life have brought some painful losses and many valuable gains.  The one constant in it all has been the Lord’s presence.  In my losses I have felt His love and His assurance that I can always trust Him.  He has carried me and continues to do so.  In my gains, I have felt His love and the assurance that He has it all under control.  I don’t have to understand.  I don’t have to figure it all out…He knows and that is all I need to know.

 

 

Words Matter

Words. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could take them back.  Other times, I wish I had said more. Many times, I just don’t know what to say at all. Sometimes my words are positive and encouraging, but then a bad day can turn me into the Grinch.

And sarcasm…lets just say I was born with it.  There was a time in my life that I responded to everything and everyone with a heavy dose of sarcasm, even my children. I thought I was funny…No harm meant. I quickly learned when Scott and I got married that he did not share my appreciation of this “gift”.  I also found that I had taught my children quite well—or maybe they inherited the trait. I saw the effects through hurt feelings and anger and decided to turn the habit around quickly.

I think the words I regret most, though, are the words left unsaid.  If I could turn back the hands of time, there are so many things I would say to Zack.  It’s a hard thing. I miss his presence in my life.  I miss his voice and his laugh. I even miss his sarcasm.  I would also change the many times I “under-reacted” to the events in my children’s lives.  My oldest, Nikki, just recently got engaged.  I responded with something like, “That’s great. I’m happy for you” & “Here’s your dad…”.  Ok..Maybe it wasn’t quite that bad, but I cried when we got off the phone, because I knew I let her down. For some reason, I have to let big news simmer a while.  We have talked since then and hopefully I redeemed the time a little bit.

Proverbs 10:11 states that our words can be like a “life-giving fountain”. As a mom, I can’t think of anything I want more than to speak life-giving words into my children and loved ones lives.

Today I read I Peter 4:11, “If anyone speaks, it should be as one who speaks God’s words; if anyone serves, it should be from the strength God provides…” I began thinking about what that would look like.  How does today’s godly woman speak…how could God speak through me?

The book of James says no one is able to tame the tongue. I know I can’t.  Colossians tells us our speech should always be gracious. Mine is not. Ecclesiastes 6:11 says, “The more words you speak, the less they mean.”.   That one makes me laugh, because we all know people who like to talk to the point that our eyes glaze over and we soon have no idea what they are even saying! It seems impossible that this mouth could speak life.  But Peter gives us hope in his own life-giving words.  It is God’s words that give life and God who provides the strength to speak them.  What does God’s word do in my own life…

God’s word encourages me.

It gives me peace and comfort.

His word leads me to forgive others and promises I am forgiven.

His word is living and active.

His word shows me how to love and promises me that I am loved.

His word corrects me and teaches me.

His word gives me strength and hope.

His word teaches me about His grace and compassion.

His words are always true.

His words light my path and illuminate my darkness.

All I have to do is give others what God is already giving me. I just need to speak less of my own words and more of His.

 

 

 

 

There’s more to me than the tragedy

Recently, I met the sweetest woman.  We were sitting next to each other at one of the Pike County football games.  As the conversation turned to family, I began to tell my story.  It always starts the same.  Do you have a child on the team? Yes. And I’m married to one of the coaches. That usually leads to a conversation about how it must be tough to sit in the stands during a tough year like the one we are having.  Yes, but the boys work so hard and the coaches spend so much time pouring into them, I know the Lord will reward them for that somehow.  Do you have other children?…There it is.  Do I say I have 3 children and avoid the painful conversation? Or do I say I have 4, and share my testimony?  And sharing about Zack generally leads to telling about the loss of my first husband when I was 23…and still 5 months pregnant. Sometimes, I hesitate.  Sometimes, I just say 4 and try to move on to the next subject without further detail.  But I don’t know if I could ever just say 3..it just feels wrong, like I wouldn’t be giving honor to his life.

Upon first hearing my story, it sounds so tragic and the listener always expresses their sympathy.  Wow, you were so young and you have been through so much.  True.  Those tragedies in my life were and are so painful.  Losing my son has most certainly left a deep scar and a broken heart.  My life told in a quick testimony seems to be defined as tragic and usually elicits questions regarding how in the world I have gotten through it all.

But that’s not my whole story.  It’s not how I want my life to be defined.  There is so much more.

There is LOVE. God has blessed me with a marriage that is so strong. He has shown me through Scott, what it means to be loved unconditionally and what it means to live sacrificially for someone you love.  Scott and I have been so good for each other. I love him so deeply and I am so proud to be his wife.  He truly walks the walk and doing life with him has made me a better woman.

There is JOY.  My children have been the source of so much joy.  Just to hear my girls voices or see their faces will light up my day.  A hug from Chase will remain on my heart for days.  Remembering Zack, though at times painful, brings me joy, too. Years of memories flood my heart and truly the joy and love I feel for my “babies” is overwhelming.

There is PEACE.  My only explanation for this is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  When I lost my husband at 23, He taught me to trust Him.  He brought the most “perfect for me” man into my life.  Scott raised my three as his own and God blessed us with another child as well. Had the first tragedy not happened, the blessing of Chase would also have not happened.  Also, I believe our eternal life begins at the moment we accept Jesus as savior, and my Zack is now in heaven and he’s not suffering with depression anymore. Peace.

There are so many blessings I could have missed and people I would not have known and experiences I would not have had if life had gone differently.  The tragic parts are beyond hard and have left a deep impact–like lines on a face, they have made me who I am. I can’t truly say that I wouldn’t change a thing…that wouldn’t be honest, because if I could have my son back, I would move mountains. But I can say that because of the hard times, I have learned to relish the good times.  I know my life is blessed despite the tragedies. I know God will always be my Rock.  He never lets go and He never gives up on us and so I hold on tight and trust.  I hope that my life at the end will be defined as a life of trusting Jesus and not as a life of tragedy.  I hope people see that I am an overcomer and a survivor.

Three And A Half Years

TIME, TIMES, AND HALF A TIME

(Three and a half years)

O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?

I Corinthians 15:55

I’ve shared before of my struggle.  With all my heart I know the LORD has given me assurance through personal life lessons that my son, Zack, is with Him in heaven.  I have shared many of those with you in this blog.  My struggle would sometimes come as I would read my Bible and a verse would give rise to doubt.  God is not a God of confusion, nor is He offended by my doubt or my persistent search to know the answer. I prayed many times that He would help me believe what I felt like He was telling me, but without reservation I also told Him I could not just fake it.  I had to be sure it was God’s voice I was hearing and not my own wishful thinking.

A few weekends ago, Chase was watching the NCAA Wrestling National Championships.  I came into the room towards the end of a particular match and started watching with him.  One of the young men was obviously spent and looked like he was just stalling for time, hoping it would be over soon—that was my perspective.  Imagine my surprise when the match ended and that same wrestler was declared the winner.  Later that weekend, we watched the match again and I got to see it from the beginning.  The young man started out strong and was a great wrestler. The obvious victor.  Once again, the LORD reminded me that from my perspective it may not have looked like Zack had finished strong, but he started strong because he gave his life to Christ as a child. He was declared a victor at that very moment.  He reminded me of Romans 8:37-38 which declares, “But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I shared with my pastor last Sunday about the way that God continually reassures me but that sometimes in scripture I find reason to doubt. My pastor told me he believes with his whole heart Zack is with the Lord and told me he couldn’t say it if he didn’t believe it.  (As a matter of fact, every pastor in my life has felt this with confidence and every one of them has tried to give me this same assurance.) I told him that I know I need to get past this and truly I believe the Lord wants me to as well.  He agreed.  Even as he shared this with me though, I prayed, “Lord, You are going to have to do it in me–You have to provide the peace or it just won’t be real.  I can’t just “let it go”.

Monday morning, March 30 2015.  I took my position on the couch around 5:30 am.  Bible, coffee and journal in hand.  Like many mornings before, I began my prayer with, “Lord, help me to believe.”.  That’s when it occurred to me that maybe Satan has been using God’s Holy Word, that is so precious to me, to keep me confused and steal my joy.  He reminded me that Satan used scripture to try to tempt Jesus in the wilderness.  At that moment, I was overwhelmed with the peace only He can give.  He has reminded me over and over that He never lets go and that He never breaks a promise.  Zack gave his heart to Christ when he was six years old.  Zack is the reason He came.  The reason He gave His life.

As I was driving to work that morning, I felt so light.  I thought about the date, March 30, 2015, and realized it was exactly 3 1/2 years to the day since I lost Zack.  For three and a half years, I have been struggling.  I have been weighed down by the inward torment of not knowing whether I would spend eternity with or without my son.  In the Bible, three and a half years is significant because it usually has something to do with a period of suffering or tribulation coming to an end.  I believe the Lord knew I would make that connection and that is why he chose that specific day.  He knew it would impact my faith when I saw the parallel.  My Zack is with the Lord.  The tears a falling as I put this to rest.  I am so thankful for His Amazing Grace and His Peace.

Thank you, also, to the many of you who have prayed for this very peace in my heart.  I will always miss my Zack.  He is so precious to me.  It still breaks my heart, but for the first time since it happened, I am truly comforted because I KNOW I will see him again.  My grief is only for a moment, but my joy is for a lifetime.

We are never unloved

Today is Valentine’s Day.  I guess it is a day that brings different meaning and emotions to us all.  Some are longing for love and today is a reminder of what they don’t have. Some have lost someone they love and this is their first Valentine’s Day without that precious person. Some are in relationships that are difficult and they roll their eyes at a day like today.  For some, it’s a first date with hopeful expectations for the future. I guess I have been all of those people at some point in my life.  For me this year, it’s the State High School Wrestling tournament and I have chosen to hang out here at the house while Scott and Chase are there. And to be honest, you couldn’t pay me enough to try to get a seat at a restaurant tonight. Eew! I’m thinking maybe some homemade fried chicken and a movie at home will do the trick when my boys get home tonight.

For now, the house is quiet and I just spent an hour reading all of my blog posts from the very beginning.  They are hard to read and yet, the overriding theme I see as I read is this: God Loves.  He loves you, He loves me. He loves the unlovable. His love never ever fails.  I think of how He was so involved in showing me His love through the love of others. He redeemed me from a pit that I dug for myself.  He looked past everything and saw me through His eyes of Love.  I have a precious memory of Chase one evening during our bedtime ritual when he was about 5 years old.  Along with wondering if God eats chicken (because we told him that he needed to eat his chicken so he would be strong and we had also told him God was stronger than anyone or anything), he also asked me, “Mom, How does God have the power to love us so much?” Wow.  I’ll never forget that.  He also used to sing the song, “Who Am I?” by Casting Crowns.  The words to that song ring so true.  I’m posting them at the end of today’s blog.

I think of how God went through great lengths to assure me that He would provide me with the right person to be my husband and also the father my children needed.  He only asked that I trust Him first.  Put Him first.  Love Him first.  That was a new concept for me, but I had tried it my way and was failing miserably. So, I prayed.  “God, I will wait.  I want what You want.  I want to be able to say, ‘I Love You” and mean it. I promise to trust You even when I don’t understand.”  I will say that God did everything He promised.  I, on the other hand, have not always lived up to mine.  This walk with Jesus has been a journey.  It has been hard at times and long, but He has been with me.  I know deep within my heart the HE loves me.  That is the anchor that keeps me holding strong.

The loss of my son is always on my heart.  Truly, I ache for what I am missing.  A part of my heart is just gone.  I can only say that if I can love my children so deeply and with such abandon, how great must God’s love for His children be in comparison.  After all, He gave up His very own Son as a sacrifice for the unlovable.  His love and His grace truly are amazing. We may be lonely at times, be we can rest assured that we are not alone and we are never unloved.

“Who Am I”

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I’m calling.
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling.
And You’ve told me who I am.
I am Yours, I am Yours.

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I’m calling.
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling.
And You’ve told me who I am.
I am Yours.

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I’m calling.
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling.
And You’ve told me who I am.
I am Yours, I am Yours, I am Yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
‘Cause I am Yours, I am Yours.

I will run this race

In memory of my son, Zack, I decided to run/walk 60 miles in the month of November.  I’m not sure why I decided on that number or even what prompted me to embark on this challenge.  Almost all of the miles were run on my treadmill since I usually have to get my miles in after dark.

I guess I’m drawn to running because Zack ran cross-county in high school.  I have a fond memory of us running a 5k together one weekend in his junior year.  The men ran the race first with the women following about 15 minutes later. When I came around the corner, nearing the finish line, Zack was there, yelling and cheering me on.  He was sooo proud of me. It is a memory that makes me smile.  It is also a memory that causes anguish because I long so much for him to be at all of my finish lines.  Every run helps me to feel close to him and yet every run is a reminder that he is not with me.  I have not heard his voice, hugged his neck or seen his handsome face in over three years.  It is brutal for a mother.  Truly, what mother does not think about each of her children at least once at some point during every day?  The thought may not be about anything in particular—it’s just that our children are a part of us.  Wherever they are, a little piece of our heart is also.

I’ve spent a lot of time recently contemplating why I am so slow to react.  If you know me, you understand what I am talking about.  Why does it take me so long to act?  As a child, I used to hate the way I looked when I cried.  My eyes would get all red and puffy and then if I dared to look in the mirror I would cry even harder because I looked so ugly! I created a coping strategy that was basically this: “In 10 years, will this really matter?” Most of the time the answer to that question was “no”.  I also remember praying one time for God to help me not to feel.  Isn’t that awful?  So dramatic for a 10 or 11 year old.  About a week later, I prayed that I still wanted to feel.  It’s all kind of silly, but somewhere in time, I decided it was better not to deal with pain and hurt, but to just move on to the next moment because in the end “everything would be all right”.  Even after I became a widow, I immediately went about trying to get on with life.  I thought I needed to get quickly over my broken heart.  Anyway, all of this “contemplating” started with my wondering why I didn’t drive to South Carolina the night Zack called me to tell me his wife had left him.  He had said he felt so alone.  I felt so bad for him, I prayed so hard for him, but why didn’t I act? I’m always saying, “It’ll be alright!”, “Things will work out.” This was one of those times that my words of encouragement weren’t enough.  I should have acted, I should have been his warrior.  He needed me to fight for him. I’m not beating myself up.  The fact is that Zack may very well have made the same heartbreaking decision to take his life no matter how many times I traveled there to rescue him.  The difference would have been that I would know that I did all I could.  Obviously, I can’t change what I didn’t do.  I can’t go back.  It’s too late to act.

So, why running? What does it accomplish?  It doesn’t change anything and it can’t bring him back.

I am running because when everything in me wants to quit, I can choose to keep going. It is my way of running the race for Zack.  The race he felt he could no longer endure.  On every run, God is with me and Zack is with me. Sometimes, I pray. Sometimes, I cry. At times, I have to stop running to compose myself.  Then, I keep going. Some runs seem effortless. Most of them are hard and I wonder why I choose to put myself through it.  I think running holds many lessons for life.  Life is a marathon–Some run faster than others…some have more talent…some face more obstacles…some have to be carried…some help carry another…some enjoy the run…some are just trying to make it through.  I want to run in such a way that at the end of the race my head is held high, my arms are raised as a testimony to my victorious finish and my heart is at peace because I know I did my best. I want the Lord to say “Well done!” and I want Zack cheering me on as I cross that final finish line.

Boxes, Benches, Birthdays…and Football

These last 5 months or so have been flooded with lots of changes and lots of emotions.  Scott accepted the Offensive Coordinator position at Pike County High School (Home of the Pirates!) and that’s where the adventure began. Many decisions needed to be made.  The biggest decision was whether or not we wanted to move.

Once we decided to sell the house and see about moving nearer to the school things moved very quickly. After less than a month we had, not one, but two contracts on our home!  I didn’t even know that was possible…but the second one serves as a back-up in case the first one falls through.  To me, that was a huge confirmation that we were making the right decision.  Another confirmation came as we were looking for a new home.  Scott, Chase and I were driving around looking at homes that I knew were for sale in the area, you know, just trying to weed out the ones we knew we would not be interested in before we had our realtor make appointments.  This particular day, we passed a “For Sale By Owner” sign and decided to give them a call.  The owners had put the sign up just hours before we called.  We went to see it and I knew the moment we walked in the door that we had found our new home. (Scott made me look at a few more, but in the end he saw things my way…) We have had a few bumps along the way but God has been evident throughout.  I love knowing we are going where He is leading.

We are still in transition.  Waiting for our buyers to set a closing date.  In the meantime, each room is full of packed boxes.  Boxes full of memories. Many boxes have been packed with tears in my eyes.  (For those of you who have offered to help me pack…now you understand why I keep saying, “No, that’s ok”).  We built this house.  Before the sheet rock was put up, we all came out and wrote on the framework of the house.  Scriptures, Names, drawings.  Leaving this home is like leaving a piece of my heart behind.  We had cookouts, Christmas Parties, Bible studies and watched our children grow up.  We’ve experienced great joy here and tremendous heartache.  Leaving is hard.

My son, Zack, was an Eagle Scout.  His project is a set of benches that sit at the park in Senoia next to the Library.  One bench is near the building set towards the back of the park.  But one is very near the water’s edge.  I can see it every time I drive by the park and never do I miss glancing that way as I pass.  I had not told anyone, not even Scott, but as we have approached this move it has been one of the hardest things for me to leave behind.  The poor bench is so weathered.  The people who sit on it leave trash on it and around it.  I’ve even seen chicken livers left by local fisherman spilled all over the seat.  I’m not mad at the people who do this…they don’t know why they should care.  It just makes me sad.  This morning, Scott came in to talk to me and let me know that he had called someone regarding the bench.  We both cried as he told me that they are going to let us take the bench with us. Just like me, Scott has struggled over the eternity of our precious Zack.  Just like me, he has felt God is reassuring him that he is with Him.  Scott feels like restoring this bench will bring some measure of healing for him and is also symbolic of Zack’s healing and restoration.  As we were talking about all of this, a song by Third Day, “When Love Sees You” began to play.  If you have never heard this song, you need to look it up and listen to it,  It is life changing if you truly read the lyrics and take them to heart.

Tell me your story, show me your wounds
And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you
Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised
And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you
I see what I made in your mother’s womb
I see the day I fell in love with you.
I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance
I see My Father’s fingerprints
I see your story, I see My name
Written on every beautiful page
You see the struggle, you see the shame
I see the reason I came
I came for your story, I came for your wounds
To show you what Love sees when I see you

It was the perfect song to play for the moment and conversation we were in.  God sees my struggle.  I am so comforted to know that and to know that His love for me goes beyond anything I could ever imagine.

     As for the rest of the story, the tentative closing date for the home we are selling and the home we are buying is August 29th.  This is my birthday.  This is also the first regular season game for most high schools, including Pike County. So, if all goes as planned, I get a new house for my birthday and I get to spend the evening as a Pirate’s wife.  Go Pirates!!